Trials and Tribulations
by Demonsblade
Summary: "Sirius is in love with you." Even from his place behind the door of the bathroom, Sirius can hear the hesitation in James's voice. SBRL slash.
1. Sirius is in love with you

A/N: I don't own Harry Potter. If I did…well, let's just say that things would be different. Slash. No like, no read. Simple.

* * *

"Sirius is in love with you."

Even from his place behind the door of the bathroom, Sirius can hear the hesitation in James's voice and the attempt at nonchalance. Through a slit in the doorway he can see the side of Remus's head.

For a long, heart-stopping moment, there is silence. And then Remus bursts out laughing. Sirius feels his throat constrict and it's painful to breathe, much less move. Yet he strains his neck to see more of Remus's face, to no avail. The door blocks his vision entirely.

He curses under his breath, and even that hurts, but he doesn't care anymore because he feels his knees giving and his legs sinking to the floor. He wishes he couldn't hear Remus's loud chuckles or see his back shaking with mirth. At long length Remus straightens himself, lets out one last giggle, and walks out the dormitory door, shaking his head.

James stands there helplessly for a few seconds before turning on his heel and exiting, too.

* * *

"Sirius is in love with you."

For a long time he just stares at James. A part of him wants to believe it. Another part—a violent, impulsive part—wants to punch James for even thinking that this might be remotely funny.

And because he can do neither, he laughs.

Every chuckle feels like he's coughing up his own heart and it hurts more than anything Remus is used to feeling. His voice sounds funny and strange and he hopes James can't detect the pain in it because _he_ certainly can and that just makes it worse. He feels dizzy and weak.

When he can't stand it anymore, when he feels like he's going to collapse from the exertion, Remus walks out, shaking his head to clear the vertigo.

He hates himself for almost believing it. He hates himself for the brief fluttering his heart had experienced at those words. He hates himself for wanting it to be true. He hates that one simple sentence can make him run to the second floor bathroom and throw up everything he ate for lunch.

* * *

"Sirius is in love with you."

James tries not to look too nervous. Remus gives him a strange, wide-eyed look and James is afraid of breathing lest he disturb the thoughts he can see flitting across Remus's face.

And then Remus laughs, and James feels his breath leave him in a hiss.

He chances a look at the door behind which he knows Sirius is hiding. But the door is too good at its job and James can't see a thing.

Remus keeps laughing for a long time. Too long, James thinks. James has never heard him laugh like this. But the chuckles seem genuine. It's always hard to tell with Remus, because a laugh from him is so rare and most of the time only Sirius can manage it.

And then, abruptly, Remus stops and walks out the door. James stands there, looking at the door to the bathroom and wondering if Sirius is going to come out. He wonders then if he should say something reassuring or at least helpful. But he can't think of anything, so after a few long seconds he walks out, too.


	2. Potions is a disaster

Potions is a disaster.

By the time Sirius drags himself to class, the bell has rung. His body feels like lead and he doesn't even have the energy to think of an excuse for his tardiness. But Slughorn merely claps him on the back and tells him not to do it again and Sirius hates him more than ever. Being a Black means a lot to Slughorn and Sirius hates it that the man won't let him forget his ancestry.

But he nevertheless flashes Slughorn a smile and slumps into a seat next to James. Remus is sitting on James's other side and Sirius takes care not to look at him. The task becomes infinitely harder when they have to split up into partners and Lily makes a beeline for James and he is left to partner with Remus.

His hands shake as he cuts the Mandrake roots and his vision clouds when he tries to read the textbook. At one point he cuts his finger and doesn't feel a thing until Remus gasps and reaches out to take the finger in his palm. And then Sirius's mind can't think of anything besides the fact that Remus is practically holding his hand and that the bright red rivulet of blood makes a nice contrast against his pale skin.

There are voices and one of them sounds like Slughorn and he mentions something about the Hospital Wing but all Sirius can focus on is the feeling of Remus's skin against his and the way Remus's brows knot together in worry. Remus pulls out his wand and prods the cut and Sirius feels a warm, tingling sensation as the skin heals itself and melds over.

He looks in wonder at the skin and then back at Remus. Remus looks up and catches his eye and they both smile and Sirius thinks he's in heaven. Then Remus drops his hand and goes back to crushing his lacewing flies.

Sirius feels himself fall back to earth and shatter.

* * *

Potions is a disaster.

James waits anxiously for Sirius to show up. Sirius is late to class more than any other student, and James has never felt the least bit of concern for his friend. But today is different and he feels that it's his fault and that he should have done or said something helpful.

Sirius stumbles in ten minutes late, looking for all the world as if he would rather be anywhere but here. But Sirius has always been one of Slughorn's favorites and so the tardiness is forgiven and forgotten in the space of three seconds and everything thing is all right again.

Except that everything is not all right and Sirius is hurting and James wants to help him but he can't think of anything to say so he says nothing and that just makes it worse.

* * *

Potions is a disaster.

Remus arrives early and chooses a seat in the back so that he doesn't have to pay attention—something he never does if he can help it. James sits beside him and the lesson starts and they all steal anxious glances at the clock and pretend not to think about Sirius.

Sirius walks in just as Slughorn is finishing his brief lecture on something Remus forgets as soon as he jots it down on his notes. Remus holds his breath and wonders if Sirius is going to get detention. But Slughorn lets him go and Sirius sits down next to James and Remus feels himself slide a little further down his chair.

Then he's angry at himself for hoping Sirius would sit next to him and reminds himself that Sirius is his friend and only his friend.

They split into partners and Sirius is again forced into being with Remus because James has Lily now. Remus tries to concentrate and not get in Sirius's way but it's hard when they're both working on the same potion from the same book at the same table. Once or twice their elbows knock and Remus's heart stops for an instant.

Remus hears a muffled curse and looks up and sees that Sirius has cut his finger. Without thinking, he reaches over and takes the cut finger and proceeds to heal it. It's only afterwards that he notices how close they're standing and how it must look to all the other kids in the room.

He tries to find it in himself to care and he can't and that just infuriates him further because he _should_ care and he doesn't. Remus looks into Sirius's eyes and knows that he would give everything for one kiss, one look.

Then James coughs and Remus is shaken out of his trance and quickly drops the hand. For the rest of the lesson he avoids Sirius's eye and tries to focus on the potion, but it's hard because all he can think about is the feeling of Sirius's skin against his and how much he wants to feel it again.


	3. Firewhiskey is a horrible idea

Firewhiskey is a horrible idea.

But James has sneaked it in from Hogsmeade and it's St. Patrick's Day and Sirius thinks what the hell, things can't get any worse. And so he and James have already begun shots by the quarter-hour and are well and drunk when Remus comes back from Astronomy.

"Come join us, mate!" James shouts.

Remus walks over with that disapproving look he always has and Sirius feels himself sink into the floor. But then the boy sits and tells James to pour him a shot and the tension of the past month melts away.

Sirius is too drunk and he knows it. He knows anything he does now can be excused and he hates himself for knowing it. He hates that he is that desperate and yet the alcohol just doesn't seem to care and so he does what he has wanted to do for over a year and kisses Remus. His head is spinning and the world is crumbling beneath him.

But Remus doesn't respond and pushes him away gently and Sirius feels like cigarette ashes. He feels his heart in his mouth and feels the bile rise and vomits all over Remus.

* * *

Firewhiskey is a horrible idea.

James doesn't know why he sneaked it under his coat all the way from Hogsmeade, only that it seemed like a good idea at the time. And hell, it's St. Patty's Day and so he and Sirius are drunk by the time Remus strolls in through the dormitory door.

"Come join us, mate!"

Remus shoots icy glares at Sirius but then shakes his head and joins them. James pours him a shot, but he has a long way to go to catch up with Sirius.

And then Sirius kisses him and James thinks the world is going to end. Remus's eyes widen in surprise and then he pushes Sirius away.

The look on Sirius's face was enough for James to know that this was indeed a horrible idea. He wishes he could say something to lighten the mood, something that would dismiss what had just happened but then Sirius takes care of it by retching all over Remus.

* * *

Firewhiskey is a horrible idea.

But all Remus wanted was to make the tension of the past month just go away. And so when he comes in from Astronomy and finds Sirius and James drunk off their asses, he joins them after only a small look of disapproval. He's anxious of what might happen. He doesn't want to do something stupid and he knows he's going to but doesn't care quite that much at the moment.

James pours him a shot and Remus looks at Sirius before taking it. Sirius's eyes are glazed over and Remus hopes he's going to be okay. Then he despises himself for caring that much when Sirius was callous enough to play such a joke on him when he should have known—when he should have figured out—just how much he meant to Remus.

And then Sirius mumbles something and leans over and kisses him and Remus doesn't know what to do. He knows that this is a joke but the lips are there and he doesn't want them to go away but Sirius isn't conscious of what he's doing and so Remus pushes him away. His heart cracks and even more when he sees Sirius's pained face. But Remus tells himself that this is for the best and each breath feels like his last, like he's trying to pull his soul out through his mouth.

Then suddenly there's vomit all over his robes and hair.


	4. Remus really hates vomit

Remus really hates vomit.

Even Sirius knows that. It isn't until after he's finished retching and his stomach suddenly feels better that he realizes just what he's done. If there was any way-some small glimmer of hope for Remus liking him-it's gone now. Sirius wipes his mouth with his sleeve and tries to smile at Remus.

But Remus gets up suddenly, looking furious, and runs into the bathroom. Sirius hears the click of the lock. He's still stunned, can't do anything but stare at the door where Remus disappeared, his mind thick with liquor and his robes rank with puke.

James is staring at him with his mouth open and Sirius wonders if there's any chance of making things better. He doesn't think so, not when even James is giving him that wide-eyed stare like he's screwed up big time.

"He really hates me now," Sirius says. He doesn't look James in the eye.

Sirius sits and waits for Remus to come out of the bathroom and when he doesn't, he falls asleep on the floor, trying to avoid his own pool of nasty.

* * *

Remus really hates vomit.

James can't believe Sirius, can't believe he'd do something so stupid as kissing him when Remus clearly isn't interested. And then he has to really cement the deal by throwing up on Remus when they all know that Remus can't stand the sight, smell or sound of puking.

Sirius looks like he's going to say something but Remus suddenly stands up and sprints to the bathroom, locking the door with a loud clunk. James sits there with Sirius, watching his miserable face, wondering how it could get even sadder and sadder with every passing minute.

"He really hates me now," Sirius says, looking like he's going to cry.

James wants it to all go away, to just be better, for them to be together or to have not started this at all. He can't stand the silences, the locked doors, the looks they gave each other.

He sits and waits and watches Sirius but after a while James gets sleepy. Sirius has already passed out in his own vomit, so James cleans Sirius up with a _Scourgify!_ and tucks him into the closest bed with a _Wingardium Leviosa! _before dragging himself to bed.

* * *

Remus really hates vomit.

Remus forgets about Sirius and the kiss and the firewhiskey. All he can think about is the nasty smell that burns the inside of his nostrils, the gross sounds that make Remus's stomach turn, the slick sticky feeling on his lap, soaking into his clothes.

He jumps up and runs to the bathroom, barely locking the door behind him before the bile rises up and he bends over the toilet, vomiting everything he has eaten that day. Even after he is empty he continues to dry heave, his body bending, trying to force out his own heart.

Shivering, he lays there for a long time before he has the strength to push himself up and take a shower. He peaks his head out into the room before wading to his trunk in only a towel. The room is empty except for soft sounds of breathing behind the closed curtains on the beds. Remus changes into pajamas and, feeling drained, crawls into bed, cuddling underneath the covers before he realizes there's someone already in his bed, and that someone is Sirius who is still drunk, no longer smelly but snoring softly in little puffs of air that tickle Remus's neck hair.

Remus throws himself off the bed. Sirius smiles in his sleep and turns to cuddle Remus's pillow. Cursing, Remus climbs into Sirius's bed. As he throws the covers over his body he can feel everywhere the sheets touch him and smell that Sirius smell deep in his throat. Remus tries not to think about how he has always wanted to sleep in this bed, and how sad it is that now he's in it alone.


End file.
